"Friend" is an odd word, a word which can take the form of several meanings. From an acquantince, to a good friend, to a trust worthy friend, to a best friend. And while I've stated that you can have a "trust worthy friend", all friendships are based on trust. They shape and take form; they are malleable. But they are always fragile. One bad word, one sarcastic comment taken wrongly, saying something in the heat of the moment, all these can send a once gleaming, a shining example of a good friendship crashing down.
And then what happens? We grovel, we beg, we say we'd do anything to gain that friendship back. And we hope that the person who we have offended, is not blinded by pride and will accept our pleas. And if they do, we are glad to have their friendship back. But it's never the same. The trust on which it was based has been destroyed; wiped out, smashed. We are stuck at the bottom, re-building the friendship, one brick at a time, sometimes half a brick at a time. It's like the labourers of Ancient Egypt, having been whipped, beaten and abused, just finished a pyramid, and then said pyramid falls; causing them to rebuild it, brick by brick. And a Pyramid is made up of over 1.5 Million bricks.
But, a friendship is made up of much more bricks than a Pyramid. It's filled with more complex patterns and shapes. A place with more locked doors, and to open them doors we need a key, or to reach a higher door, more bricks. And these bricks and keys represent trust. Without trust a friendship is as worthless as a wet towel. It's a vain a shallow friendship, barely allowed the name of a friendship. These acquaintances are the kind of people who view people as nothing, and friendships as nothing more than trivialities. But, fortunately these people are few and far between and I have yet to have the pleasure of meeting one.
And while so far, all I've done is rant about how friendships can fail, I will now move onto friendships which have stood the tests of time. I am still in contact with 3 people from my primary school, I have known them altogether for over 30 years, and while we don't talk as much, we still do and that's the best thing. But since moving to St.Louis, I have made some new brilliant friends, and despite knowing the best of them for only 4 years, and I can honestly say, they know me best. They know almost everything about me. And for me to allow someone to get that close, says alot about this person, and I'm grateful for them. Without them, I can honestly say I'd be in an even darker place.
Another person who gets a shout, is someone I met online, yes yes, here come the trumpets for that fact, and to be honest, she is easily one of my greatest, if not the greatest of my friends. I love her dearly, and the fact that I can't actually talk to her face-to-face kills me. And to think that friendship started because of a friend request over Facebook. It still amazes me how life manages to bring the right people together.
And with that, I finish this blog.
Peace and Anarchy, folks.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Friday, 30 July 2010
I see now...
This is a short story, about a man in a chair looking back on his life.
---
As I sit here, and look out at this barren landscape, I realise how much I’ve missed out on. My sheer naiveté of other people, of feelings, of myself…Of love… has left me dejected and lonesome, but while I was growing up, I considered intimacy a bad thing; a foolish move, I believed that being close to someone was weakness.
I see now how stupid I was, as the days went on, then weeks, then months, then years. I saw one by one, my friends, of whom I was never more than an occasional “drinking buddy”, fall in love, and be happy…I never believed in love…I only saw it as mere lust and jealously, and the fear of being alone.
I see now how stupid I was, how selfish I was. As people who I thought only cared about me, because they thought it was the “right thing to do”, or out of boredom, turned against me, and started avoiding me, that was when that whole in this thing I never understood began. And the pain was just unbearable, whenever that hole opened, it would stay open, and never close.
I see now, they genuinely cared for me, maybe even loved me…My own fear pushed them away, pushed me away…I thought this was best for them, maybe it was…Maybe I’ll never know, but I know now it certainly wasn’t best for me…When I realised they cared for me, sincerely, the hole in that place tore even more, and once again I felt that unbearable pain.
I see now that my family did want what was best for me, and my arrogance, my sheer unbearable arrogance pushed them away, and caused them to despise me, to openly say I wasn’t a family member, I thought once again, that this was good for them, good for me. And I see now that for a while it was good for me, and whenever my mother tried to tell me how much she loved me before she died, and my selfishness refused to believe it, to believe her, it made me feel good, but when she died, knowing I didn’t love her, it once again tore that place I can’t describe, and this time the pain was worse than both times before, this once was sheer agony, a crescendo of pain.
I see now, that this was the point in my life, were I secretly knew I was doomed to be lonely, and I tried to move on in my life. I moved onto the streets of the city, I drunk, I snorted, I injected, I did everything, I slept with a different hooker every night, but it never made me happy, it made me feel even more empty, it ripped that place almost in two, with nothing but a thread hanging on, a voice was begging me to stop; I wouldn’t listen. No, this was my path. I was forced to walk this path, at the time I blamed my upbringing…Now I blame myself.
I see now that with this revelation of my past mistakes, that this tore that place, and left it barren and utterly irreversible. I see now that this barren landscape that I am staring into…Is…Or perhaps more applicable…was…my heart…
---
As I sit here, and look out at this barren landscape, I realise how much I’ve missed out on. My sheer naiveté of other people, of feelings, of myself…Of love… has left me dejected and lonesome, but while I was growing up, I considered intimacy a bad thing; a foolish move, I believed that being close to someone was weakness.
I see now how stupid I was, as the days went on, then weeks, then months, then years. I saw one by one, my friends, of whom I was never more than an occasional “drinking buddy”, fall in love, and be happy…I never believed in love…I only saw it as mere lust and jealously, and the fear of being alone.
I see now how stupid I was, how selfish I was. As people who I thought only cared about me, because they thought it was the “right thing to do”, or out of boredom, turned against me, and started avoiding me, that was when that whole in this thing I never understood began. And the pain was just unbearable, whenever that hole opened, it would stay open, and never close.
I see now, they genuinely cared for me, maybe even loved me…My own fear pushed them away, pushed me away…I thought this was best for them, maybe it was…Maybe I’ll never know, but I know now it certainly wasn’t best for me…When I realised they cared for me, sincerely, the hole in that place tore even more, and once again I felt that unbearable pain.
I see now that my family did want what was best for me, and my arrogance, my sheer unbearable arrogance pushed them away, and caused them to despise me, to openly say I wasn’t a family member, I thought once again, that this was good for them, good for me. And I see now that for a while it was good for me, and whenever my mother tried to tell me how much she loved me before she died, and my selfishness refused to believe it, to believe her, it made me feel good, but when she died, knowing I didn’t love her, it once again tore that place I can’t describe, and this time the pain was worse than both times before, this once was sheer agony, a crescendo of pain.
I see now, that this was the point in my life, were I secretly knew I was doomed to be lonely, and I tried to move on in my life. I moved onto the streets of the city, I drunk, I snorted, I injected, I did everything, I slept with a different hooker every night, but it never made me happy, it made me feel even more empty, it ripped that place almost in two, with nothing but a thread hanging on, a voice was begging me to stop; I wouldn’t listen. No, this was my path. I was forced to walk this path, at the time I blamed my upbringing…Now I blame myself.
I see now that with this revelation of my past mistakes, that this tore that place, and left it barren and utterly irreversible. I see now that this barren landscape that I am staring into…Is…Or perhaps more applicable…was…my heart…
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Erm...
As the title says, I have not blogged in over a month and I'm not sure whether or not this is a good or a bad thing, as no one has complained about it. Ha. Ha. Ha, yes, I see we are all smiling nervously now and looking away. Well, fine. Maybe you haven't missed me. But, I sure have missed typing out my blogs. It's such fun.
But, since I haven't blogged here, some things have happened. Here is a short list:
Peace and anarchy, folks. ;D
But, since I haven't blogged here, some things have happened. Here is a short list:
- Lost my iPod.
- Found my iPod.
- Played at the school concert with Rock Band.
- Played at the school concert with Folkestra.
- Recorded with Folkestra twice.
- Put a piece of recorded material on my iPod.
- Refallen in love with Faunts.
- Found out I like re-reading Harry Potter books.
- Bought a new game.
- Converted to Zen Buddhism.
- Barely handed in my Chemistry Coursework on time
Peace and anarchy, folks. ;D
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Ho Hum - Why bother? 'cause it's worth it. Hopefully.
As I float from day to day, with an ever more present feeling of surreality, it makes me wonder, is this all real? Or is it a dream? 'cause, when I am in one of my surreal trances, everything makes less sense, it seems to me that this just can't be real. It's hard to explain, but if anyone has had the same feeling, knows what I mean. It's odd, and wonderful at the same time, it's indescrible, but, terrifying all at the same time.
'cause, I mean, what if it is just some dream, we are all just figments of each other's imagination, or just mine, in this case. Solipsism. It's a word, that's...Odd. It's what all of what I said means, yet, I've never once looked to it for peace, or solace. It's a selfish person's way out. But, that's just me generalising, for I've meet someone who was a solipsist, and she was one of the lovliest people, I ever knew.
But still, I do find solipsism, awfully stupid. But, I can understand how'd people go for it. I just can't seem to find it appealing. All that, about everything being the work of your imagination, it's just preposterous. 'cause I sure know, I'd never dream of this hell hole of a world. This world is unbearable, and certainly not something you would ever imagine. Unless you were a complete freak. But, that being said. I am that freak. I would imagine something like this, 'cept humanity had space travel.
But, I wouldn't like to believe my life, is just my imagination, as that's scary, and frightening, I like the idea, of being unique among many different unique imaginations. It's wonderful, sharing one's ideas, with other people. It's really something. And, I do hope that life has a point, and that, there is something at the end of this. In which we return, to God's embrace. I do hope that, and it was only until recently, I didn't believe that. And, I'm glad I do know. It's a great feeling.
So, as you can see, this blog post wasn't too bad. It was enjoyable to write, and I hope it's enjoyable to read.
Peace and Anarchy, folks.
'cause, I mean, what if it is just some dream, we are all just figments of each other's imagination, or just mine, in this case. Solipsism. It's a word, that's...Odd. It's what all of what I said means, yet, I've never once looked to it for peace, or solace. It's a selfish person's way out. But, that's just me generalising, for I've meet someone who was a solipsist, and she was one of the lovliest people, I ever knew.
But still, I do find solipsism, awfully stupid. But, I can understand how'd people go for it. I just can't seem to find it appealing. All that, about everything being the work of your imagination, it's just preposterous. 'cause I sure know, I'd never dream of this hell hole of a world. This world is unbearable, and certainly not something you would ever imagine. Unless you were a complete freak. But, that being said. I am that freak. I would imagine something like this, 'cept humanity had space travel.
But, I wouldn't like to believe my life, is just my imagination, as that's scary, and frightening, I like the idea, of being unique among many different unique imaginations. It's wonderful, sharing one's ideas, with other people. It's really something. And, I do hope that life has a point, and that, there is something at the end of this. In which we return, to God's embrace. I do hope that, and it was only until recently, I didn't believe that. And, I'm glad I do know. It's a great feeling.
So, as you can see, this blog post wasn't too bad. It was enjoyable to write, and I hope it's enjoyable to read.
Peace and Anarchy, folks.
Monday, 25 January 2010
Music, and the like
Well, music. It's in all of us. Or, so I was told. And, it isn't, of course, as I have little musical writing ability, and I can play it, fairly averagely. But, that's OK, isn't it? I know how to appreciate music, and that's the most important thing, if you can appreciate, something above all else, then, you are able to criticise it.
I hate when people say, "You have to be good at something to criticise it," that's utter bull, I have little in the way, of musical creative abilty, as I've stated, and I can criticise music, which I believe is utter shite.
But still, I love music, it is one of the few things that I look forward to. Be it playing and creating music, or listening to it. It's the best, and it always picks me up, should I need a pick me up. Which is often, surprisingly. I guess, it's's not, but, whatever.
So, right now, I'm digging really slow, melodic music, which is very relaxing I guess; nothing, is better than a nice sub-dued song after a stressful day to chill you out. Which, is awesome. I guess, you could say I have a rather ecclectic music taste. Which is half-right, I s'pose.
As I'm really into indie acts, shout out to Clara for that, and they make my day.
And with that, I sign off.
Peace and Anarchy folks, Joshua.
I hate when people say, "You have to be good at something to criticise it," that's utter bull, I have little in the way, of musical creative abilty, as I've stated, and I can criticise music, which I believe is utter shite.
But still, I love music, it is one of the few things that I look forward to. Be it playing and creating music, or listening to it. It's the best, and it always picks me up, should I need a pick me up. Which is often, surprisingly. I guess, it's's not, but, whatever.
So, right now, I'm digging really slow, melodic music, which is very relaxing I guess; nothing, is better than a nice sub-dued song after a stressful day to chill you out. Which, is awesome. I guess, you could say I have a rather ecclectic music taste. Which is half-right, I s'pose.
As I'm really into indie acts, shout out to Clara for that, and they make my day.
And with that, I sign off.
Peace and Anarchy folks, Joshua.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Insomnia and Concept Albums
As per my title, I have insomnia, absolutley amazing, like. I need to sleep, it's like, one of the few things I'm good at. The Others being, being a cynic, and arguementitive. FUNZ. But, no, I refuse to dedicate this whole blog post, to insomnia. 'cause, that would be stupid. So, in a funny way, it leads on to my next point.
Concept albums, albums which have a message, and each song giving a new slant on that message. Like Pink Floyd, king's of the Concept Album, I can see Niall cringing already, but, yes. They are fantastic at displaying messages. Take, Dark Side of the Moon, I actually envisage it as more a Rock Opera, an album telling a story, than a concept album, and now I shall give a track by track run-through. Sad right?
Yes. And, I did attempt it, but, I just couldn't be bothered. This is what apathy and sleep deprivation does to a budding young mind like mine. Slows it down to the point, it refuses to work, and causes one to be an unbearable child, which is what I am most of the time.
So, yeah, I'm tired. I really am, it's awful. I just want to crawl into bed, and sleep, for days, I wish I could, it would leave me feeling really happy. So, pleaseeee some exsisting deity, let me sleep, for the love of Jebus, let me sleep! I NEEDZ IT.
See? My point exactly. But. I grow weary, and I've spent too long on this blog, mostly doodling, and talking to a good friend. They know who they are, so, I sign of with this.
What is there when everything is good, and not there when things are bad?
Peace and Anarchy folks, Josh.
Concept albums, albums which have a message, and each song giving a new slant on that message. Like Pink Floyd, king's of the Concept Album, I can see Niall cringing already, but, yes. They are fantastic at displaying messages. Take, Dark Side of the Moon, I actually envisage it as more a Rock Opera, an album telling a story, than a concept album, and now I shall give a track by track run-through. Sad right?
Yes. And, I did attempt it, but, I just couldn't be bothered. This is what apathy and sleep deprivation does to a budding young mind like mine. Slows it down to the point, it refuses to work, and causes one to be an unbearable child, which is what I am most of the time.
So, yeah, I'm tired. I really am, it's awful. I just want to crawl into bed, and sleep, for days, I wish I could, it would leave me feeling really happy. So, pleaseeee some exsisting deity, let me sleep, for the love of Jebus, let me sleep! I NEEDZ IT.
See? My point exactly. But. I grow weary, and I've spent too long on this blog, mostly doodling, and talking to a good friend. They know who they are, so, I sign of with this.
What is there when everything is good, and not there when things are bad?
Peace and Anarchy folks, Josh.
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Just some things...
Well, I guess, a first impression, is the most important mark, you can make on someone. Honestly? I really don't care. If I don't like someone; they will find out about it. But, Jesus, what a way to start your first blogg. Hehe, Jesus, I called one of my 3 Dogs that in Dragon Age: Origins. Haha, and here starts me ranting about my current obsession. Yes, it's this new game by BioWare. And, it's epic. I'm so obsessed by it, I've even made my display name after a sect of the Elven species. Sad, right? Right. But, honestly, I don't care. I love that game. It's awesome. But, wow. I've strayed from the point. Anyway. I guess, since this is my first blogg post, I should introduce myself. Josh's my name. And if I had to describe myself in two words. It'd be. Pessimistic Cynic. Wonderful, eh? But, oh so true. I frequently get labelled "emo" by fools, and idiots, for my long hair, and dark outlook on the world. But, I say, screw them. Idiots. But, I honestly have no idea where this post is heading. I just type, and my head spews these things. It's crazy. I was offered help. I refused it. Hehehehehehe. Mostly, 'cause he won't care, all he wants is money to line his pockets.
Which leads onto something else. Money. I got a strange Christmas present this year. A green elf hat, (it's here I point out, how Christmas has destroyed Elves. Elves rock. >:|), with "7UP", written on it. I think my mother was trying to be satirical, as she is well aware of my dislike of Capitalism. Yes, I'm a Socialist, don't go all McCarthy on me. But, back on the ball here. It made me realise, how commercialised Christmas has become. Not that I should care. Being an Athiest and all. But, this somehow connects me to Ryan. My friend. He claims to be a Zen Buddhist, but, does nothing that would make someone believe so. But, frankly, that's OK. He's awesome at guitar. Which, makes it all better. Yes, it does.
I finish with this phrase, which sums up half of the last paragraph.
Which leads onto something else. Money. I got a strange Christmas present this year. A green elf hat, (it's here I point out, how Christmas has destroyed Elves. Elves rock. >:|), with "7UP", written on it. I think my mother was trying to be satirical, as she is well aware of my dislike of Capitalism. Yes, I'm a Socialist, don't go all McCarthy on me. But, back on the ball here. It made me realise, how commercialised Christmas has become. Not that I should care. Being an Athiest and all. But, this somehow connects me to Ryan. My friend. He claims to be a Zen Buddhist, but, does nothing that would make someone believe so. But, frankly, that's OK. He's awesome at guitar. Which, makes it all better. Yes, it does.
I finish with this phrase, which sums up half of the last paragraph.
If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe.
And with that. Peace and Anarchy.
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